Hello all,
Seeing that Rachelle shared her story…I thought I would too!
So, I have always been overweight most of my life. Heck, the smallest I remember being in middle school and high school was a size 13. But, I was always active in sports and never really thought about being overweight/obese.
In 2005, I met the love of my life Matt. As things progressed, we moved in together the years went on and in 2007 I decided that for some reason I needed to do something about my weight. Actually, backing up a bit…a couple of things triggered me to take a close look at my health. The first was at a wedding Matt and I went to. I was wearing a “babydoll” dress and an older lady came up to me and said “Oh, how wonderful! We have two pregnant girls here”. I, however, was not pregnant! I was so embarrassed/pissed. A couple of weeks later, I went to a new doctor for a checkup. He proceeded to tell me that I needed to lose weight. So, I went to Weight Watchers.
I still remember that first night I walked into Weight Watchers. It was the week before Halloween. I was so nervous that I didn’t even tell Matt that I went and joined. But, as the weeks went on…the weight just fell off! Before I knew it, 20...then 30…40...50…over 60 lbs was gone and I had hit goal. Goal is where you are supposed to learn to maintain your weight. Not for me though, I was addicted to the scale. I was/am a perfectionist and I wanted to see that number go even lower! So, I kept losing weight…much to my leader’s chagrin.
My lowest I got was about 147lbs. That’s 77lbs. off my frame and a good 13 lbs. below my goal weight. And that’s when the trouble started.
It was November and I had a TON of stuff going on. I was working full time, working towards my Master’s degree and planning my wedding in May. Things were in my control at that time…but I couldn’t make the number on the scale go any lower than that darn 147. I remember being alone one night and I was making cookies for my parents and Matt. When they came out of the oven, I tried one and it was just the best thing since….oh gosh, I don’t even know! I just started shoving them in my mouth and before I knew it they were almost gone. I then turned to other food and a full blown binge happened.
That was just the start of my disordered eating. I continued on a binge/purge for about 3 months trying to keep my weight in check and then I just couldn’t do it anymore. I gained 20 lbs before my wedding simply from my bingeing and was more miserable than ever. I withdrew from my Master’s classes and quit my job and basically just “stopped” life.
After I “stopped” life…I realize that life couldn’t really be stopped and that I had to do something about what was happening to me. I started doing some research and found a really good counselor who specializes in eating disorders. No one really knows that “binge eating” is actually a classified eating disorder…but it is.
Currently, I am happy to say that I am in recovery and doing well. I have a new job that I love and I am going back to pursue my Master's degree (starting next week!!). But, my addiction to food and my compulsions with my weight are demons that I battle every day.I am lucky that I got the help that I needed before I put on all my weight again instead of the 20lbs. I am learning each day to love my body and respect it for the way it looks today and not hate it because it doesn’t look the way it used to. I am learning to lose at a slow a steady rate and that when I hit my goal weight…that is the end of losing weight and maintenance is an entire different battle.
I am really looking forward to that battle though.
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Melissa, if you wouldn't mind sharing, I'd love to know the name of your therapist. Binge eating is definitely an issue that I've had my whole life. I'm so glad you shared your story. It's very insightful. And so true. Girls, women and even men, on occasion, get help for annorexia and bulimia, but people perceive overweight people struggling with the opposite issue in a whole different light. I haven't gotten to or even below my goal weight in my adult life, but as a teenager I used to starve myself trying to slim down. I've been on both ends of the perspective and neither are healthy by any means.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! I would be glad to share my resources with anyone. I have actually been to two different therapists. The first one that I went to was:
ReplyDeleteCleveland Center for Eating Disorders-http://www.eatingdisorderscleveland.org/
and now I am with:
The Hull Institute-
http://www.hullinstitute.com/
Personally, I loved/love The Hull Institute. Ann Hull (my therapist) is fanstastic and really understands Binge Eating Disorder because she has recovered from it. Ann also accepts insurance whereas if you try The Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders you will run into a lot of insurance issues (although they are also great, I feel they still don't quite understand this particula eating disorder).
If you have any other questions or want to email me privately, you can contact me at mmwestf1@kent.edu
:)
Melissa
Hey, Melissa, thanks for posting this and for sharing your struggles- I had no idea all of that was going on. Although I've never struggled with purging, I know that binge eating, especially during stressful times has been a huge issue for me on and off for as long as I can remember. I was doing really well for a few years and dropped almost 30 pounds the healthy way. I was still a good 20 lbs away from my goal, but I felt great about myself and my body and positive about the direction I was going in, even though my progress was somewhat slow. However, the last few months have been a stressful, busy time, and I've realized I still have an addiction to food that I run to during times of stress. I never really saw it as an actual eating disorder until recently. Again, thanks for sharing- I feel like I have a better understanding of something I've struggled with my whole life.
ReplyDeleteHey Stina,
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting. Not a lot of people knew what was going on with me. I think people knew that "something" was going on but didn't really know exactly what.
I think eating disorders and food addictions are the hardest to conquer. You have to eat to live, but you don't have to live to eat.
For me, understanding that I feel better when I don't binge...that LIFE is easier when I don't binge or engage in particular behaviors was the first real step towards my recovery. I'm not saying that I have conquered my binge eating, but I am definitely in a better place than I was.